the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
