bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
