Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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