I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
