I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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