My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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