Got a toothbrush?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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