why do cheetos always look like penises
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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