that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
