I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
