I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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