We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
