Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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