If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
