I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
