I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How does one acquire holy water?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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