The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
