I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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