The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
