She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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