Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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