Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
