Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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