I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
