Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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