The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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