We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
