he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
