I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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