I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
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