We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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