Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
