i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
