party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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