My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
