ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
