Jerry, you need to find god
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
