life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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