Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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