I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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