Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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