Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
im six kinds of drunk right now
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
