there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
