I want to make a zoo with you.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
