Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
