Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
