woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
you had me at cake vodka
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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