I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
