ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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