How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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