Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
