Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
