I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
