i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You're like the curious george of whores
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
