just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
are you so shy because you have an std?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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