i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
how drunk are you?
Several
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
